| change |
Aug. 19th, 2009|03:14 pm |
I was standing in the kitchen in the office this morning, like I’ve done every morning for the past few months, making coffee and looking at the mountains through the window. I was thinking how this is going to be the last time I do that, since this is my last day at this office and I fly home tomorrow. I was holding this little spoon that I always use to stir my coffee tighter and tighter, realizing that, after today in my reality this spoon will cease to exist, this kitchen will cease to exist, this view will cease to exist, everything about my life in Alaska will simply cease to exist. I can’t go back to that bar and drink Alaskan Amber on draft, and I can’t hike in the hills by the abandoned mine anymore, or sit by the dock at twilight and watch the cruise ships sail out of town. It’s not even that I really liked Alaska all that much, it’s more the feeling of finality that I found so distressing, the knowledge that change is coming and that, for better or worse, my life won’t be the same tomorrow as it is today.
But I guess that’s true of everyone’s life every single day. I’ve lived in a dozen places and had a dozen jobs, and each time I left that part of my life was closed forever. Even if you try to go back later, things won’t be the same, things never stay static. Once I went back to my old college years after I graduated and I found myself staring up at a window that used to be my friend’s dorm room so long ago. But it isn’t his room anymore. It’ll never be his room again. That part of my life, that version of reality simply doesn’t exist anymore. Even if I came back to Alaska at some point things would never be the same as they are now. I’d live in a different place, some of the people I know wouldn’t be here anymore, jobs, stores, everything (including me) would be different. It might be great to live here again, but it would never be the same as it is now.
But maybe that’s something about life we should embrace. It’s inevitable after all, you can’t stop change. Even if you don’t leave things still change, just on a slower scale. People still move away, your favorite restaurant closes only to be replaced with a different restaurant, the weather one summer is much different than last. I guess there’s nothing to do but just accept it, watch each day go by, watch each season go by and realize that it’s all going to change, that no matter how much you want this particular version of reality to be static forever, that’s not possible, and the best we can do is to hope that the new version of reality right around the corner is somehow even better than the one we are living in right now, or at least good enough so that you don’t miss this one so much when you are gone.
That’s what I was thinking about this morning and a clutched that stupid little spoon trying to somehow hold onto it forever. But you can’t hold on to anything forever. Take a good hard look at where you are right this second, appreciate your surroundings. Understand that no matter how tightly you cling to the people, places, and things around you, the world will never ever be the same as it is this exact moment. |
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