| halloween |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|07:51 pm] |
I really hate the 'going out' holidays. The ones where people are somehow obligated to go to a bar or a party or something like that. Like New Year's Eve or the Superbowl or like today - Halloween. I really hate crowds and loud places, and the bars and parties on days like this are extra loud and extra crowded. And I never feel comfortable in places like that. I always feel out of place, or unwanted or generally awkward. I don't like getting bumped around and having to yell to be heard. I hate having to deal with drunk people and the things that drunk people want to talk about. What's that you say, "just stay in?" I know, that's what I mostly want to do, but it gets real annoying because everybody I know demands that I should go to their drunken loud crowded places because they are under the mistaken presumption that somehow I'll "loosen up and have fun." They can't understand that I hate places like that and never have fun and immediately want to leave as soon as I arrive. But they make me feel bad for not going.
And what's worse, is that somehow, I feel bad for not going. I know I am going to hate it, but part of me asks why, if everybody else apparently thinks it is so awesome, do I hate it? Shouldn't I love places like that? Everyone else seems to. Everyone else begs me to come 'enjoy myself', so what is wrong with me that I prefer places that are less sweaty and a bit quieter? I start to have self-doubts that maybe deep inside I'm what they all tell me I am, a horrible depressed loser that is incapable of enjoying himself. Admittedly I almost never enjoy myself no matter where I am so they are probably right. I start thinking that maybe there is some switch in my head that I can turn to make me feel less awkward and more gregarious and want to go do all those things that people keep telling me are 'fun' That makes me feel even worse about myself and my decision to stay in and miss out on what everyone will later tell me was the "bestest evening they ever had!"
For similar reasons, I really don't think it is a good idea to sign up for art shows like that one I have running tonight. I'm probably supposed to be there right now, standing by my work and talking it up to the people who've gone for the Halloween-themed open house. It is supposed to be 'fun' and the kind of thing that artists love to do. But I hate the idea of being seen in front of my work. I'd feel uncomfortable and awkward and embarrassed because I see all the flaws in the work that maybe they don't see, or maybe they do see but they are too polite to say anything to my face. I'd much rather just show up at the gallery under cover of darkness, hang up my work, and then run away and hide until it is over. Of course, that also makes me feel bad because here I am with this great chance to do what most people would consider the most fun part about being an artists, and I'm missing it and instead hiding in my basement reading for next week's class and writing depressing notes in my blog. Ugh. |
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